Hey everyone, and welcome to the bar, where we make incredible cocktails inspired by history. 

My cocktail, The Drink That Launched 1000 Ships, is a thing of beauty and was inspired by one of the craziest stories I’ve ever read. It involves greek gods, a swan, a golden apple, a wooden horse and a lot of boats.

Let me tell you the tale that’ll give you a new appreciation for the power of beauty.

The cocktail was crafted after the story of Helen of Troy, who was said to have been the most beautiful woman in the world. 

The myth is nuts on so many levels. 

Now, we have to ask, was Helen the most beautiful woman in the world? Well, my girlfriend may disagree, but then again, she’s not been immortalized in Greek mythology. Nor has she inspired a delicious cocktail.  At least, not yet 

So, where does the story of Helen begin? 

It begins with the Greek gods. And it’s the connection to Gods that inspired the use of our first alcohol, Skyy vodka.  Why Skyy? Well, like other vodkas, is subtly sweet, smooth, makes a good base, easy to mix and, because I love you so much, it’s also inexpensive and easy to get. For this cocktail, we start our mixology by adding 1 oz of it to a shaker. 

Like most Greek myths, it all starts in Zeus’ loins. 

Zeus was Greece’s alpha god, the god of lightning and, in modern terms, was a man-whore when it came to the ladies. As a matter of fact, Zeus fathered so many children with so many random creatures that he reached a point where he didn’t even need a partner to procreate. Athena, the goddess of wisdom and strategic warfare, was spawned from the big guy’s forehead. His forehead. All in all, he ended up with 19 kids and one of the most cosmically dysfunctional families in mythological history. 

So where does Helen of Troy fall in Zeus’s oddly shaped family tree? Well, Helen’s mother, Leda, famously mated with Zeus when he had turned into a swan. Yup. Our heroine, the most beautiful woman in the world, was the product of mythological hanky-panky.

And she was beautiful according to the legends, despite her unorthodox conception. Every guy in the Greek world, from prince to pauper, wanted her. Being the hottest babe on the planet, Helen had her pick of the golden litter; King Ajax of Salamis, King Odysseus of Ithaca, and King Agamemnon of the powerful Mycenae were all vying for her hand.

So, which king won the rose in the ancient Greek version of the Bachelorette? Well, none of them. 

Our dear Helen didn’t want a king, but she didn’t want a pauper either. Instead, the man who caught her eye was Prince Menelaus of Mycenae, Agamemnon’s brother. Although they were disappointed, her star-studded suitors respected her decision. 

With her new husband, Menelaus and Helen would rise to the Spartan throne and begin a family. And the story could’ve ended there, with a nice bow that says “happily ever after.” But that would be boring, and inaccurate. 

Because, in Greek mythology, as in life, beauty doesn’t just inspire hope and love. It can also foster jealousy, lust, and even violence.

Since this story takes place with the Greeks in the Mediterranean, I needed a Mediterranean connection. That’s why I chose Italicus for our next ingredient. Even though this drink hails from Italy, it is a Mediterranean country. Second, because I got the feeling that this story was about to take a bitter turn. Now, Italicus has a nice, citrusy nose-feel, tremendous sweetness with a bitter aftertaste, which makes this a great feature flavor of our cocktail. That’s why we’re adding a full ½ oz to our shaker. 

So, we’ve talked about Helen’s wedding to Menelaus, but we need to take a second to talk about another important wedding. This one happened years earlier on Mount Olympus, the home of the gods, when another couple named Thetis and Peleus tied the knot. 

I know what you’re thinking. Who the hades are they? 

Well, you may not have heard of them, but you’ve probably heard of their son, Achilles. If you haven’t, spoiler alert, he’s kind of amazing.

But guess who wasn’t invited to Achille’s parent’s wedding among the gods? Eris, the very special goddess of discord. Huh, I wonder why a couple wouldn’t want to invite the GODDESS OF DISCORD to their wedding?! 

Now you would think, most people would show up to a wedding with a nice gift, like flowers. Similar to St Jermaines, which is sweet, tart and delicious and has a wonderful bright, flowering finish. That’s why we’re putting ½ oz into our shaker. 

But, instead, our Eris showed up with a special gift. Not flowers, or St. Jermaines, or a stand mixer, or his and her bath towels, but a golden apple inscribed with “for the most beautiful.” Which, apparently, is something every immortal goddess with various powers desperately needed because Athena, Hera and Aphrodite all wanted it for themselves.

That inspired the addition of a splash of apple jack into our cocktail, because, for some reason, an apple was at the center of this tragedy.  I’m using Laird’s, because, in my opinion, it’s one of the best tasting apple jacks. It has a good apple flavor, nice punch, and a smooth finish. 

So, what are goddesses to do to break the tie when they all want the same apple?

Go to the forehead-child-bearing, seducing swan, Zeus, of course… who, seeing that it had nothing to do with him getting laid in any of his various forms, said, “I don’t know. As that guy.” 

Enter Paris, the exiled former Prince-of-Troy-slash-current shepherd who, for some reason, is the one who gets to decide which goddess should possess the golden apple. 

Desperately vying for the gift from Eris, a goddess no one particularly likes, Hera, Athena and Aphrodite each promise Paris remarkable gifts far more impressive than the actual apple they’re fighting over.  

Hera promises the exiled prince the rule over Europe and Asia. Athena offers him unrivaled skill in battle. But, Aphrodite, knowing the young boy’s heart (and hormones), offers him the most beautiful woman in the world, Helen. 

Eris, the old troublemaker, couldn’t have been happier.

Since it seems like this tale is turning sour, much like how the tartness of Orange Juice can make you pucker. This fresh squeezed Orange Juice is refreshing, fruity and sugary. And a great base to cut through all the alcohol, so we’re going to add a full ounce as we begin to finish up our cocktail. 

Even though Helen was still married to King Menelaus of Sparta, Paris, being a virile young man with a taste for hot married women, marched right up and offered Helen his hand in marriage anyway. 

Of course, Helen was like, “Sorry, horny little fella, I’m currently unavailable.” At least, she would have, except when Aphrodite offered Paris the most beautiful woman in the world, she wasn’t going to let a little something like free will stand in her way. Before Paris arrived in Sparta, Aphrodite enchanted Helen and, once Helen set her eyes upon the shepherd prince, she immediately fell in love! 

What were they to do? 

Escape was the only option. They fought through Helen’s own Spartan guards and the two lovebirds sailed for Troy, where Paris was met with open arms by his father, King Priam. 

Sounds like a dumbass decision, doesn’t it? 

But, one, they were under a spell of god and, two, let’s be real, beauty can makes us stupid. Right? Ever see a really attractive person at the gym and you work out so hard in order to impress them that you hurt yourself and end up lying on the floor in pain and the person you were trying to impress didn’t even notice you? No? That happened to just me? Nah, we’ve all been there. 

Like any good troublemaker, Eris had made a rocky road for our love birds, so, let’s add some frozen rocks to our shaker. 

Upon hearing the news of Helen’s betrayal, her real husband, King Menelaus, was, well… how did the Greeks put it? Oh, right. He was pissed. His brother Agamemnon, and his fellow kings, Odysseus and Ajax, along with the great hero Achilles, joined Menelaus to launch 1,000 ships into the sea to bring his bride home. 

Hell hath no fury like a Menelaus scorned.

In the battles that followed, the ancient world would see the fall of great men. Hector, the greatest among the Trojans, and Achilles, the greatest among Greeks, both died. The great city of Troy, with her strong walls and beautiful buildings, was put to flame when the Trojans accepted a giant gift horse from the Spartans that, within its wooden structure, held a secret army. And even the great King Priam would meet his end by the thrust of a Grecian blade. 

All because Eris was miffed and Aphrodite wanted a golden apple. 

Beauty, like this cocktail, is a powerful thing. The corruption of beauty and Paris’ desire to possess it led to the destruction of his home, his family, his kingdom, and his marriage. 

He would witness the fall of Troy, and Helen, his enchanted love, would be returned to the husband she chose, not the man who chose her.

Now isn’t that a beautiful story? 

Well, taste our cocktail and see if it’s really in the eye, or the taste buds, of the beholder.